This month in our curriculum, A Year of Playing Skillfully, we are focusing on the character trait of forgiveness.

Webster's 1828 Dictionary defines forgiveness as “to pardon, to overlook an offense and treat the offender as not guilty.” We thought this was a very matter-of-fact definition for such a complex emotional process. Listen to Episode 31 of the Play Skillfully where Kathy and Lesli have a frank talk about what teaching children about forgiveness can look like in your home. 

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“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.”

— William Arthur Ward

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1. Examine your own family history with forgiveness. We don’t want to parent on auto-pilot! Did your family easily forgive? Did your parents apologize to you and ask for forgiveness? How would you like to do things differently with your family? 

2. Recognize that with small children, the foundation of forgiveness is developing the idea of inherent worth. Use stories such as “Horton Hears a Who” by Dr. Suess to develop empathy for others. After using stories to develop the idea of inherent worth, we want to move onto developing ideas of kindness, respect, and generosity. When a child is about 6 years old, they can developmentally begin to understand the causes and effects of people’s actions. 

3. Remember that forgiveness sometimes takes time! It does not always mean immediate reconciliation. Forgiveness is a choice and should never be forced on a child before they are ready.

4. Always be there to help your child name their feelings. Validate their feelings of anger, sadness, or frustration without validating unwanted behavior that can come along with it. 

5. Forgiveness demonstrates resilience, and this is a quality our children really need to take into their futures. They need the ability to repair, reframe and move on from conflict. Holding onto anger and resentment creates anxiety and depression. It is necessary for our mental health to learn to forgive.
   

Stories that build the foundation for forgiveness:

Horton Hears a Who by Dr Seuss

Mrs. Rosey Posey and the Yum-Yummy Birthday Cake by Robin Jones Gunn

The Berenstain Bears and the Golden Rule by Mike Berenstain 

I Forgive You: Love We Can Hear, Ask For, and Give by Nicole Lataif

Punk the Skunk Learns to Say I’m Sorry by Misty Black

How to Apologize by David LaRochelle

The Circles All Around Us by Brad Montegue

The Friend Who Forgives Storybook: A true story about how Peter failed and Jesus forgave by Dan Dewitt 

This month in our curriculum, A Year of Playing Skillfully, the character trait we are focusing on in ourselves and our children is patience. 

Today we are talking about how we can encourage patience in our children. Anyone who has ever carried a tantruming child out of a public place knows this is the holy grail of parenting! How can we teach our children to wait quietly and peacefully for their dinner, or their turn with a toy? How can we minimize the squabbles that come from impatience and frustration with others?

Check Yourself first! 

To read about how to develop patience in yourself visit our blog post HERE.

Observe and target potential triggers.

All children are different and get frustrated over different things. Observe each of your children and make notes on the things that seem to cause them the most impatience. A list of potential triggers are:

• Turn taking

• Losing at games

• Hunger

• Perfectionism

• Frustration with building new skills

• Keeping up with siblings

• Others not keeping their word

Validate the feeling, but not the behavior.

Usually when a child becomes impatient, their feelings are valid and logical. Oftentimes they lack the maturity to handle those emotions and they act out in ways that can be problematic. When your child acts out, try to help them identify their emotion and verbalize it for them. Say something like “I can see that you are very frustrated that your brother is not giving you a turn with that truck. That must be really hard.” Once we have addressed the big emotion happening, we can help them problem solve and redirect their energies.

Problem solve out loud.

When you find yourself in a situation where you are feeling impatient, use the opportunity to verbally model the thought process you would like to show your children. For example, say something like “This traffic is so hard to sit in. I’m feeling very impatient because I want to get home! Let’s make it more fun by playing our favorite songs. Everyone choose one!” or “I am feeling very impatient because I am so hungry! My stomach is growling and making me grouchy! But I can see that everyone in the restaurant is working so hard to make our food, so I am going to think about how yummy it is going to be when it gets here, and drink a big glass of water until it does!” 

Use Humor whenever possible.

Humor and silliness can diffuse so many big emotions. Playfulness is the best way to handle so many things with children, and impatience is no different. It is so tempting to be hard on them when they are impatient…I often wonder if this is because when we see our children showing our own character defects, we become unconsciously defensive, and go after them with extra energy. Dial it back and approach them with a smile and gentle playfulness. Use games like Mother, May I, Freeze Dance, and Duck, Duck, Goose to build listening and patience skills.

Be Honest.

How many times have you said “In a minute.” when your child is asking for something? How many times does one minute turn into fifteen minutes? Our kids are not dumb, and even if they cannot tell time, they have a sense of time. You can help by being honest about how long things will take and giving them concrete objectives such as “When you see mom turn on the flame under the soup, she will be ready to play cards with you, so watch for the flame!” Using visual timers such as hour glasses and kitchen timers is also helpful with small children. Make sure to keep your word when you tell them “in a minute!”

Praise it when you see it!

This month, when you observe your children practicing patience, call it out and reward it! 

• “Hey, nice waiting! 

• “I know you are super hungry and you are being so patient!”

• “I noticed you were being so patient when your brother wanted to play with your new Lego, so I am making a special dessert tonight!”

• “Mom took so much longer than she wanted to finish her work, and you played quietly, so she will read you an extra book before bed.”

Teaching our children to be patient with themselves and others will pay off mightily over the course of their lives, and will make a difference in generations to come! It is worth the work of being intentional in building patience in ourselves and our kids! 

This month in our curriculum, A Year of Playing Skillfully, the character trait we are focusing on in ourselves and our children is patience. 

Several years ago, Lesli and Kathy recorded a podcast about how to encourage patience in your children, as part of our Character Builders Series. This month we are reposting it for your listening pleasure! We think it is chock full of good advice and practical tips on building this necessary trait in you and your children. 

In today’s blog post we are focusing on building patience in yourself, because our modeling positive behaviors is a power teacher! 

Tips for building patience in yourself:

Relationships over Results 

Always consider the fragility of the humans you are dealing with. Be gentle. You honestly never know what people are dealing with at home, or what broken system they are trying to work within. The way we respond to others, whether it be to a spouse, a server, or someone on the end of a customer service line, is always on display to our children. 

Check Yourself First

Educate yourself in the developmental stages of your children, so that your expectations are reasonable. When are children are frustrating you, ask yourself the following questions:

• Are we frustrated with them because we were unprepared, disorganized, or unrested?

• Are we communicating clearly what our expectations are?

• Are we expecting others to read our minds?

• Are we run down and in need of self care?

Be Mindful of Non-verbal Cues

Our children are masters of observation! We need to be self-aware of the way we use our bodies and tone of voice to communicate our dissatisfaction. Some things you may need to put into check are eye-rolling, sarcasm, belittling, sighing, and foot-tapping. One technique that works well when you catch yourself being impatient is to lower your shoulders, and relax your tongue so that it is not touching the roof of your mouth. 

Protect Your Own Quiet Prayer Time

There is nothing that makes us gentler with people than spending time with our gentle Lord. He is so patient with us, and we need to keep that conduit open in order to pour it out onto others. My children (Lesli) have occasionally looked at me wide-eyed and said “Did you miss your quiet time today?

Be aware of the spiritual implications of impatience.

We are not inclined toward patience. And we can let our impatience masquerade as righteous anger, and justify poor treatment of others. The biblical meaning of patience does not imply passive waiting. The Greek word hupŏmŏnē implies an active enduring and persevering though irritation and trials. To grow in our patience, we need to trust in the Lord that he is working things out for our good. 

Check back tomorrow as we discuss ways to build patience in our children!